how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
