remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
