I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize