After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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