tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
