Already got asked if we're dating
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
