Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
