I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i believe in u and ur pee
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
