Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
