So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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