just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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