I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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