I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
