He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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