Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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