I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
