Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
