He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
