Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
