Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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