If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
