i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
