oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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