Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
