and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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