Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Randomize
