I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
