At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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