I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
