exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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