So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
