his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
