First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
