everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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