Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
