so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
