i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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