my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
