brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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