thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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