Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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