a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
