i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
this will be a night to untag.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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