he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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