i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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