I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
