People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
