He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
