i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
