Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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