dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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